Back in 'bama. This time to stay...hopefully. Now tis time to find a job. Funny how I dislike vacation time...but I'm not really looking forward to working again. I guess it's not so much the work...it's that...well...ok, here's the thing.
I'm scared to have to go through the application process. I've never actually had to before. Weird, huh. I've always had friends or friends of friends be able to say like..."She's awesome. Hire her" Actually having to start over completely is a little overwhelming.
And I'm secretly a big chicken, but that isn't so big a secret I guess.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Pirate Attack!
Pirate
adv.
proun. Pie-RAah-tae
1. the method in which pirates defend themselves
slang -- any pirate-related activity, as long as it is completed in a suitably pirate-esque way.
Well known for its mean right hook, pirate is both revered and despised, though due to some alterations to the basics of pirate, the original form of pirate is shrouded in deep mystique and possibly some enigma (formerly believed to be cause by a deficiency in protein, now known to be caused by a deficiency of logical thought).
Through months of long, arduous research, I believe to have uncovered some of the previously unknown 'dregs' (the principals) of pirate (no, those are not the things you stare at in the bottom of a mug, ye drunken scoundrel). Dregs seem to be a combination of lost pirate moves (for a reason), ideals upon which pirate was founded (none), and random ramblings (they were drunken scoundrels too).
Dreg One--the 'stiff leg' kick to the nether regions
Considered an unsporting move by some practitioners of pirate, this is nontheless a powerful attack, and quite often the end of a brawl if your opponent be a man, but if it be a wench ye fighting....
Why the hell would you fight a wench? Ye dog.
Dreg Two--attacks from the rear are perfectly sporting, because, after all, we're good at protecting our booty.
Dreg Three--the 'hook and pull'
Effective especially on those the captain is trying to frighten, simply use your best right (or left) hook, then pull the unlucky soul close, so ye can use ye foul breath to rend him asunder.
Dreg Four--the proper ravishment of women
True practitioners of pirate are often given a bad name through the misinterpretation, and misuse of this dreg. First, pick a wench that is pleasing to the eye. Brashly call out to her, vaguely insulting her while waving yer mug about in a winsome manner. If she be a giggly one, or a brash one herself, the signs are clear for smooth sailing from there. If her giggle be more of a chuckle, ye are brashly calling to the wrong sort, and ought to put down the mug before ye make a mistake ye will regret. And never force yeself upon a wench that seems down or prefers another brash lad (or lady. We be an open-minded sort about here).
Dreg Five--The way of the Argh
Considered by some the most important of the dregs, the way of the Argh is not only a powerful addition to any pirate arsenal, but it is a way of the pirate life. The way of Argh guides such things as the proper way to maintain yer beard (or other facial hair of preference, though the beard lends much power to certain pirate maneuvers), how to gruffen your voice the proper amount, how to inspire loyalty among yer rowdy crew, how to properly have a mockery of a trial when ye send someone off to sea with a very short jaunt for them, how to swing about like a hyperactive monkey on the rigging without pulling something loose, how to find yer booty and hold onto it and how to properly quaff yer beer when in port.
The full guidelines of the way of the Argh are too long to reprint here, but I will give you a small inkling of how the way of the Argh works. (Spelling has been corrected, because I would not want ye to grow old while trying to decide what baestysehit means) (Rough translation is a slang term for bad beer, by the way)
How To Properly Quaff Beer While In Port
Begin with selecting a suitably disreputable bar to settle into. Selection of the bar is not overly important--however, do not select one with rich gentlemen, for they cannot quaff properly and they do not take kindly to gentlemen of your standing, and do not select one in which your throat will be slit for anything you say while drunk. That should be obvious. A bar with loud singing of bawdy songs is always a popular choice. If it has winsome wenches waiting to win the worship of winning wooers, so much the better for yer enjoyment!
Now, cozy up to the bar, and try not to lean back when the bartender breathes in yer face. Tis bad manners. Order a large pint of his cheapest beer, and immeadiately toast the gentlemen next to ye. Make a loud shout of some indescernible word that sounds suitably manly, and tilt yer head back slightly (not so far ye get a crik) and put the lip of the mug somewhat near ye mouth, but not on it (everyone knows those mugs never be washed), and swallow as much liquid as ye can, then slam the empty tankard onto the counter and shout for another pint of the catpiss you just drank. Someone, somewhere will cheer, you'll cheer in response, and everyone will cheer.
Repeat until suitably tipsy, then proceed to nurse along your pints until ye are roaring drunk, in which case a return to quaffing is normally called for. If all goes well, ye'll wake up in a strange wenches bed on the morrow with a pounding headache and the ship will still be in the harbor.
***
As you can see, the way of the Argh is in depth, and complex. More study is needed to bring the buried secrets (and possibly conundrums) of the pirate to light. Dregs have yet to be discovered, and much of the way of the Argh has not yet been translated.
I will return later with more secrets of the pirate.
adv.
proun. Pie-RAah-tae
1. the method in which pirates defend themselves
slang -- any pirate-related activity, as long as it is completed in a suitably pirate-esque way.
Well known for its mean right hook, pirate is both revered and despised, though due to some alterations to the basics of pirate, the original form of pirate is shrouded in deep mystique and possibly some enigma (formerly believed to be cause by a deficiency in protein, now known to be caused by a deficiency of logical thought).
Through months of long, arduous research, I believe to have uncovered some of the previously unknown 'dregs' (the principals) of pirate (no, those are not the things you stare at in the bottom of a mug, ye drunken scoundrel). Dregs seem to be a combination of lost pirate moves (for a reason), ideals upon which pirate was founded (none), and random ramblings (they were drunken scoundrels too).
Dreg One--the 'stiff leg' kick to the nether regions
Considered an unsporting move by some practitioners of pirate, this is nontheless a powerful attack, and quite often the end of a brawl if your opponent be a man, but if it be a wench ye fighting....
Why the hell would you fight a wench? Ye dog.
Dreg Two--attacks from the rear are perfectly sporting, because, after all, we're good at protecting our booty.
Dreg Three--the 'hook and pull'
Effective especially on those the captain is trying to frighten, simply use your best right (or left) hook, then pull the unlucky soul close, so ye can use ye foul breath to rend him asunder.
Dreg Four--the proper ravishment of women
True practitioners of pirate are often given a bad name through the misinterpretation, and misuse of this dreg. First, pick a wench that is pleasing to the eye. Brashly call out to her, vaguely insulting her while waving yer mug about in a winsome manner. If she be a giggly one, or a brash one herself, the signs are clear for smooth sailing from there. If her giggle be more of a chuckle, ye are brashly calling to the wrong sort, and ought to put down the mug before ye make a mistake ye will regret. And never force yeself upon a wench that seems down or prefers another brash lad (or lady. We be an open-minded sort about here).
Dreg Five--The way of the Argh
Considered by some the most important of the dregs, the way of the Argh is not only a powerful addition to any pirate arsenal, but it is a way of the pirate life. The way of Argh guides such things as the proper way to maintain yer beard (or other facial hair of preference, though the beard lends much power to certain pirate maneuvers), how to gruffen your voice the proper amount, how to inspire loyalty among yer rowdy crew, how to properly have a mockery of a trial when ye send someone off to sea with a very short jaunt for them, how to swing about like a hyperactive monkey on the rigging without pulling something loose, how to find yer booty and hold onto it and how to properly quaff yer beer when in port.
The full guidelines of the way of the Argh are too long to reprint here, but I will give you a small inkling of how the way of the Argh works. (Spelling has been corrected, because I would not want ye to grow old while trying to decide what baestysehit means) (Rough translation is a slang term for bad beer, by the way)
How To Properly Quaff Beer While In Port
Begin with selecting a suitably disreputable bar to settle into. Selection of the bar is not overly important--however, do not select one with rich gentlemen, for they cannot quaff properly and they do not take kindly to gentlemen of your standing, and do not select one in which your throat will be slit for anything you say while drunk. That should be obvious. A bar with loud singing of bawdy songs is always a popular choice. If it has winsome wenches waiting to win the worship of winning wooers, so much the better for yer enjoyment!
Now, cozy up to the bar, and try not to lean back when the bartender breathes in yer face. Tis bad manners. Order a large pint of his cheapest beer, and immeadiately toast the gentlemen next to ye. Make a loud shout of some indescernible word that sounds suitably manly, and tilt yer head back slightly (not so far ye get a crik) and put the lip of the mug somewhat near ye mouth, but not on it (everyone knows those mugs never be washed), and swallow as much liquid as ye can, then slam the empty tankard onto the counter and shout for another pint of the catpiss you just drank. Someone, somewhere will cheer, you'll cheer in response, and everyone will cheer.
Repeat until suitably tipsy, then proceed to nurse along your pints until ye are roaring drunk, in which case a return to quaffing is normally called for. If all goes well, ye'll wake up in a strange wenches bed on the morrow with a pounding headache and the ship will still be in the harbor.
***
As you can see, the way of the Argh is in depth, and complex. More study is needed to bring the buried secrets (and possibly conundrums) of the pirate to light. Dregs have yet to be discovered, and much of the way of the Argh has not yet been translated.
I will return later with more secrets of the pirate.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Lrn2spl, kthxbai
Since I got distracted before I wrote the second post I had planned...
On the way to Disneyland, we drove by a billboard that had 'r u a rock-a-holic?" on it. Now, I use abbreviations when doing things like playing online games and whatnot, but my God. It's a freaking billboard. People spent money to look like complete retards that can't spell.
I understand it is viewed as 'cool' and 'hip' to spell incorrectly. I know English is an ever-changing language. But Mr. Webster worked very hard to bring us somewhat standardized spellings of everything. And it wasn't like they were discussing quantum physics or anything overly difficult. Where they paying by the letter? No...billboards are paid one lump sum. It's not like a freaking telegram.
What frightens me most about it, I suppose, is some usually very bright people all got into a group and discussed what would be the 'coolest' billboard to draw in their 'younger' crowd. So they made the background black (check: being angsty is always in style), made the letters block and appeared faded (check: Retro is cool now) and then misspelled half the sign. These are people with college degrees. And probably fat paychecks. Deciding to purposefully make that billboard just a little bit stupider.
Gah. I hate LA.
Oh wait, I'm sorry. I h8 LA.
On the way to Disneyland, we drove by a billboard that had 'r u a rock-a-holic?" on it. Now, I use abbreviations when doing things like playing online games and whatnot, but my God. It's a freaking billboard. People spent money to look like complete retards that can't spell.
I understand it is viewed as 'cool' and 'hip' to spell incorrectly. I know English is an ever-changing language. But Mr. Webster worked very hard to bring us somewhat standardized spellings of everything. And it wasn't like they were discussing quantum physics or anything overly difficult. Where they paying by the letter? No...billboards are paid one lump sum. It's not like a freaking telegram.
What frightens me most about it, I suppose, is some usually very bright people all got into a group and discussed what would be the 'coolest' billboard to draw in their 'younger' crowd. So they made the background black (check: being angsty is always in style), made the letters block and appeared faded (check: Retro is cool now) and then misspelled half the sign. These are people with college degrees. And probably fat paychecks. Deciding to purposefully make that billboard just a little bit stupider.
Gah. I hate LA.
Oh wait, I'm sorry. I h8 LA.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Mickey Mouse! Donald Duck!
Today will have two posts (providing I don't get bored halfway through). The first post is about...Disneyland! Yes, nonexistant readers, I went to Disneyland. By myself. Which is surprisingly fun and relaxing. Because if you decide you want to see the same street show four times in a row, by golly you don't have to listen to the rest of your group bitching about it.
Seriously, I love going to theme parks alone. Anyways...
I went on the Jungle Cruise*, which is my overall favorite ride (ever plus infinity). Tonight, our skipper was a slightly older gentleman than the usual median age (indeterminately aged college boys--in case you were wondering). He had a wonderful moustache, and a kicking hat.
I could tell it was going to be a wonderful ride right off the bat when he kept himself amused at the dock by keeping up a low-toned banter...with himself. And when he got really bored, he informed us in a dry tone that we all needed to find something to hang onto, because when we cast off, the speed and power of the boat would overwhelm us. Really.
(Before I begin, please imagine all of this in the tone of voice that guy from the eyedrop commercial uses. You know....no tone whatsoever? Drier than cardboard? That one.)
(The boat finishes boarding. Skipper is still rambling to himself, so one of the dock guys finally shouts "YOU'RE READY TO GO")
Skipper: Well, you all heard me about holding on? Ok, so here we go (starts up the engine and we putter forward). Yup. Feel the power. Well, my name is Larry and I'll be your skipper this evening. And coming up on the left here, we have Billy.
(Billy is a large statue of a monkey with a glowing crystal in his hand)
Billy is my idol. (Majority of boat groans at bad pun, and minority laughs at bad pun. A boat divided. Oh noes!)
Larry continues: And also on the left is a Bengal tiger. Did you know, fully grown, a Bengal tiger can weigh up to 500 pounds, and leap 25 feet?
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
And on the right, the elephants are in their watering hole. If you decide to take a picture, don't worry, they all have their trunks on, so it's a G-rated picture. (more groans and laughs) There's Bertha. She's been sitting in that water a long time. You can see the wrinkles.
(pause)
Did you know, fully grown elephants can weigh up to 500 pounds, and leap 25 feet? (boat erupts into full on laughter. A first for Jungle Cruise. Trust me.)
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
(We come upon the monkeys playing in the camp)
Still Larry: And now you see why you shouldn't let children loose in your camp (parents in the boat laugh. Kids don't comprehend). They were trying to get that Jeep started earlier, I'm glad they finally managed to turn it over.
(We come upon gorilla straining for bananas on floating crate)
Here's something you don't see everyday. But I do. Every. Day. (some emotion creeps in at this point, but he quickly stifles it and goes back to his impression of Eyedrop Guy) Over and over and over. (more laughs)
Still good ol' Larry: And now we're turning onto the Nile river. If you don't believe me, well, you're in de-Nile. On the left you'll see a full grown African bull elephant. You can tell it's an African bull elephant by its sloping forehead and big tusks. Did you know, fully grown African bull elephants can weigh up to 500 lbs and leap 25 feet? (by this point, some people are starting to chorus along)
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
But this African bull elephant is only the second most feared animal in the jungle. If you look to your right, you can see the most feared animal--his mother-in-law. (laughter and MANY groans) If you didn't get that joke, you will, soon enough.
And now we come upon a large group of animals. Zebras and giraffes and aw, look, how cute, in the cave. A pride of lions protecting a sleeping zebra. Yeah, that zebra looks dead tired. We should keep going, so it can rest in peace. (At this point, the teenagers across from me are laughing, most of the adults are groaning like mad, and others look petrified from the plethora of bad puns abound. Most of the little kids are still clueless)
(We pass the rhino poking the guy's butt)
Of course it's still Larry talking: This group of explorers had their ups and downs (some snorts), but I think they're finally getting the point. (One joke about the guy on the bottom I can't remember) Hey, you know the guy on the bottom? His last name is Haunches. And so the rhino is poking Haunches in his haunches (yes, he really said this).
(reflective pause as we motor away)
Did you know, (by now everyone is chorusing along quietly) fully grown rhinos can weigh up to 500 pounds, and leap 25 feet?
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
(big laughs)
(We enter the hippo pool)
(Usual hippo joke here) (bang bang, goes the gun)
(as we motor away)
Did (everyone joins in) you know, that fully grown hippos can weigh up to 500 lbs and leap 25 feet?
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
And now we're entering head hunter territory. It's never a good place to be headed. (groan)
(We motor on past the dancing tribe)
Well, it looks like they're having a party. Let me see if I can translate. (pause) So put your left foot in (pause) and take your left foot out. No, sorry guys, this is too hokey, even for me.
(Here he turns completely to our right (his left) and regards the bamboo grove very studiously, while behind him the spear people are getting in position to attack)
Now please look to your right, and examine this bamboo. Bamboo is amazing, it can grow up to 15 feet in one day and (pause and he glances behind himself) I'm sorry, (he raises his voice) guys, guys, you forgot again, didn't you? You leave my boat alone, and attack the next boat. Now, duck back down. That's right. Hide yourselves for the next group. Good job.
Now ladies and gentleman, you are about to see the eighth wonder of the world. It's really great, brace yourselves...it's the...
Backside of water. Really. It's amazing. It's the backside of water. It's great. And now, if you look behind you, you can see the side of water. Also a great sight.
(keep puttering. We approach rapids, and the rocks with the skulls and skeletons on them)
And please look around at the limestone art. Most people take it for granted, but I think they're great.
(stops the boat in the middle of the piranha territory before they start spinning, so it's calm water around us)
(pause)
And now, let us sit here, and reflect for a moment on the (piranhas start spinning) cruise thus far.
(pause)
Oh man, I'm sorry (starts the boat). But don't worry ladies. These are man eaters. They don't eat the ladies.
And on our left, we have a boa constrictor. Don't get too close to it, it'll develop a crush on you. And those are always such restricting relationships.
(we nearly start before him this time)
Did you know, that fully grown boa constrictors can weigh up to 500 lbs, and leap 25 feet.
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
(we come upon a boat in front of us, empty except for the skipper)
And this is why we let you bring children on board. To eat them, I mean, I wonder what happened here? (Another joke parents get, kids don't)
(other skipper calls back)
I lost my group!
Larry: What?
Other Skipper: I lost my...hold on! (grabs microphone) I LOST MY GROUP!
Larry: Oh, he lost his group. Well, up ahead is Head Trader Sam. As you can see, business has been shrinking lately. He currently has a deal--two of his heads, for one of yours. Any way you slice it, you come out a head.
(we're now stuck at the light, because it isn't showing green) (So Larry, bless him, starts rambling)
I was at Sam's house the other night. We had stew, and I told him his wife made great stew. And he replied it was a pity she wasn't around to enjoy it. (laughs from those who get it) And I told him I hadn't spoken to his brother in a while, and Sam replied that you had to take him with a grain of salt.
And a pinch of pepper.
So I don't know why I'm not getting the other green light I need. It's like Southern California traffic. It doesn't make sense.
(pause)
(we hear some very pointed shouting from the dock)
Oh, looks like we got the all clear. So we'll be at the dock shortly, (he continues pleasantries, makes the Get out. Oh sorry, please get out joke, then right as we're leaving...)
And just one last thought to send you folks on your way, what if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
And that was the best Jungle Cruise ride ever.
*Oh, and what makes it so great, is there's a script they're supposed to follow. Either they've changed that, or he just didn't care. Also, he rarely kept the lights on. And he'd occasionally reach over and flick them on, then turn them right back off. Instead of keeping them on like he was supposed to.
Yeah. Larry, wherever you are, I tip my hat to you. I've never heard belly laughs on this ride before, and I've been going on it for 19 years.
Bravo, good sir.
Seriously, I love going to theme parks alone. Anyways...
I went on the Jungle Cruise*, which is my overall favorite ride (ever plus infinity). Tonight, our skipper was a slightly older gentleman than the usual median age (indeterminately aged college boys--in case you were wondering). He had a wonderful moustache, and a kicking hat.
I could tell it was going to be a wonderful ride right off the bat when he kept himself amused at the dock by keeping up a low-toned banter...with himself. And when he got really bored, he informed us in a dry tone that we all needed to find something to hang onto, because when we cast off, the speed and power of the boat would overwhelm us. Really.
(Before I begin, please imagine all of this in the tone of voice that guy from the eyedrop commercial uses. You know....no tone whatsoever? Drier than cardboard? That one.)
(The boat finishes boarding. Skipper is still rambling to himself, so one of the dock guys finally shouts "YOU'RE READY TO GO")
Skipper: Well, you all heard me about holding on? Ok, so here we go (starts up the engine and we putter forward). Yup. Feel the power. Well, my name is Larry and I'll be your skipper this evening. And coming up on the left here, we have Billy.
(Billy is a large statue of a monkey with a glowing crystal in his hand)
Billy is my idol. (Majority of boat groans at bad pun, and minority laughs at bad pun. A boat divided. Oh noes!)
Larry continues: And also on the left is a Bengal tiger. Did you know, fully grown, a Bengal tiger can weigh up to 500 pounds, and leap 25 feet?
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
And on the right, the elephants are in their watering hole. If you decide to take a picture, don't worry, they all have their trunks on, so it's a G-rated picture. (more groans and laughs) There's Bertha. She's been sitting in that water a long time. You can see the wrinkles.
(pause)
Did you know, fully grown elephants can weigh up to 500 pounds, and leap 25 feet? (boat erupts into full on laughter. A first for Jungle Cruise. Trust me.)
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
(We come upon the monkeys playing in the camp)
Still Larry: And now you see why you shouldn't let children loose in your camp (parents in the boat laugh. Kids don't comprehend). They were trying to get that Jeep started earlier, I'm glad they finally managed to turn it over.
(We come upon gorilla straining for bananas on floating crate)
Here's something you don't see everyday. But I do. Every. Day. (some emotion creeps in at this point, but he quickly stifles it and goes back to his impression of Eyedrop Guy) Over and over and over. (more laughs)
Still good ol' Larry: And now we're turning onto the Nile river. If you don't believe me, well, you're in de-Nile. On the left you'll see a full grown African bull elephant. You can tell it's an African bull elephant by its sloping forehead and big tusks. Did you know, fully grown African bull elephants can weigh up to 500 lbs and leap 25 feet? (by this point, some people are starting to chorus along)
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
But this African bull elephant is only the second most feared animal in the jungle. If you look to your right, you can see the most feared animal--his mother-in-law. (laughter and MANY groans) If you didn't get that joke, you will, soon enough.
And now we come upon a large group of animals. Zebras and giraffes and aw, look, how cute, in the cave. A pride of lions protecting a sleeping zebra. Yeah, that zebra looks dead tired. We should keep going, so it can rest in peace. (At this point, the teenagers across from me are laughing, most of the adults are groaning like mad, and others look petrified from the plethora of bad puns abound. Most of the little kids are still clueless)
(We pass the rhino poking the guy's butt)
Of course it's still Larry talking: This group of explorers had their ups and downs (some snorts), but I think they're finally getting the point. (One joke about the guy on the bottom I can't remember) Hey, you know the guy on the bottom? His last name is Haunches. And so the rhino is poking Haunches in his haunches (yes, he really said this).
(reflective pause as we motor away)
Did you know, (by now everyone is chorusing along quietly) fully grown rhinos can weigh up to 500 pounds, and leap 25 feet?
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
(big laughs)
(We enter the hippo pool)
(Usual hippo joke here) (bang bang, goes the gun)
(as we motor away)
Did (everyone joins in) you know, that fully grown hippos can weigh up to 500 lbs and leap 25 feet?
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
And now we're entering head hunter territory. It's never a good place to be headed. (groan)
(We motor on past the dancing tribe)
Well, it looks like they're having a party. Let me see if I can translate. (pause) So put your left foot in (pause) and take your left foot out. No, sorry guys, this is too hokey, even for me.
(Here he turns completely to our right (his left) and regards the bamboo grove very studiously, while behind him the spear people are getting in position to attack)
Now please look to your right, and examine this bamboo. Bamboo is amazing, it can grow up to 15 feet in one day and (pause and he glances behind himself) I'm sorry, (he raises his voice) guys, guys, you forgot again, didn't you? You leave my boat alone, and attack the next boat. Now, duck back down. That's right. Hide yourselves for the next group. Good job.
Now ladies and gentleman, you are about to see the eighth wonder of the world. It's really great, brace yourselves...it's the...
Backside of water. Really. It's amazing. It's the backside of water. It's great. And now, if you look behind you, you can see the side of water. Also a great sight.
(keep puttering. We approach rapids, and the rocks with the skulls and skeletons on them)
And please look around at the limestone art. Most people take it for granted, but I think they're great.
(stops the boat in the middle of the piranha territory before they start spinning, so it's calm water around us)
(pause)
And now, let us sit here, and reflect for a moment on the (piranhas start spinning) cruise thus far.
(pause)
Oh man, I'm sorry (starts the boat). But don't worry ladies. These are man eaters. They don't eat the ladies.
And on our left, we have a boa constrictor. Don't get too close to it, it'll develop a crush on you. And those are always such restricting relationships.
(we nearly start before him this time)
Did you know, that fully grown boa constrictors can weigh up to 500 lbs, and leap 25 feet.
It's kinda freaky.
Yeah.
(we come upon a boat in front of us, empty except for the skipper)
And this is why we let you bring children on board. To eat them, I mean, I wonder what happened here? (Another joke parents get, kids don't)
(other skipper calls back)
I lost my group!
Larry: What?
Other Skipper: I lost my...hold on! (grabs microphone) I LOST MY GROUP!
Larry: Oh, he lost his group. Well, up ahead is Head Trader Sam. As you can see, business has been shrinking lately. He currently has a deal--two of his heads, for one of yours. Any way you slice it, you come out a head.
(we're now stuck at the light, because it isn't showing green) (So Larry, bless him, starts rambling)
I was at Sam's house the other night. We had stew, and I told him his wife made great stew. And he replied it was a pity she wasn't around to enjoy it. (laughs from those who get it) And I told him I hadn't spoken to his brother in a while, and Sam replied that you had to take him with a grain of salt.
And a pinch of pepper.
So I don't know why I'm not getting the other green light I need. It's like Southern California traffic. It doesn't make sense.
(pause)
(we hear some very pointed shouting from the dock)
Oh, looks like we got the all clear. So we'll be at the dock shortly, (he continues pleasantries, makes the Get out. Oh sorry, please get out joke, then right as we're leaving...)
And just one last thought to send you folks on your way, what if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
And that was the best Jungle Cruise ride ever.
*Oh, and what makes it so great, is there's a script they're supposed to follow. Either they've changed that, or he just didn't care. Also, he rarely kept the lights on. And he'd occasionally reach over and flick them on, then turn them right back off. Instead of keeping them on like he was supposed to.
Yeah. Larry, wherever you are, I tip my hat to you. I've never heard belly laughs on this ride before, and I've been going on it for 19 years.
Bravo, good sir.
For Once, a Post That Mentions Food
I went to dinner with some of my family tonight. The table consisted of one of my brothers, my father, my mother, and me. My brother and I got to talking, and he decided that I needed to make a blimp/zeppelin dessert of delicious pseudo-historical impressiveness.
So we made some plans, and we're going to make a mostly cookie zeppelin for his friend's party next week. Biscotti frame, overlayed with graham crackers, gingerbread, some chocolate fun and then the gondola underneath the zeppelin will be filled with a warm, sweet dip (like some girlfriends) that people can break the cookies off and dip them in the dip.
I think I should have tried to fit more 'dip's into that sentence. Really now.
Anyways. Life, for a while, is la-di-dah. Might drag myself to Disneyland tomorrow (oh the horrors!).
Oh. Saw another friend today. We had a good talk. And we're plotting some fun on our boyfriends. Muahahaha. I love that friend. She is eval. The cute, and slightly fuzzy side of evil.
So we made some plans, and we're going to make a mostly cookie zeppelin for his friend's party next week. Biscotti frame, overlayed with graham crackers, gingerbread, some chocolate fun and then the gondola underneath the zeppelin will be filled with a warm, sweet dip (like some girlfriends) that people can break the cookies off and dip them in the dip.
I think I should have tried to fit more 'dip's into that sentence. Really now.
Anyways. Life, for a while, is la-di-dah. Might drag myself to Disneyland tomorrow (oh the horrors!).
Oh. Saw another friend today. We had a good talk. And we're plotting some fun on our boyfriends. Muahahaha. I love that friend. She is eval. The cute, and slightly fuzzy side of evil.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Now Just One Sappy Moment...
I just read a really good book.
Now here's the thing--I read a lot of 'really good' books. But this one was special for a couple reasons.
1) I didn't actually check the price before I bought it. This is especially noteworthy because I can be a cheap-ass stingy motherfucker when it comes to treating myself. I haven't not checked the price on something in years.
2) It wasn't life-changing because it showed me a whole new world I never thought existed before...it was a reaffirming book. It was the paper-and-ink equivalent of a fuzzy blanket on a cold night. These books are rare, because for the most part I'm a pretty cynical bastard. But this one got to the soft side of me.
3) The rather large amount of money I spent on it (it did have patterns in it, which definitely makes it 'worth' the price, but that's besides the point) was justified, truly and deeply by two lines in it. $16 for two lines. And I'd pay it all over again if I had to, and I'd do it with a smile. See above statement admitting to cheap-assness for clarification of this breakthrough.
4) I stayed up til 2:30 in the morning to read it, which I also haven't done in a long time. I love reading. I am actually slightly addicted to reading (ok, very addicted, but at least this addiction occasionally improves my intelligence. Which is more than I can say for drinking, smoking, and doing other really stupid, yet hilarious, activities). But I realized some time ago that sleep is a precious, precious thing. The book will still be there tomorrow. But I can never again capture those couple hours.
But this book also made me treasure Erik anew. I hesitate to make any sappy proclamations before we've been together even six months, but when I walk into his arms, it is truly like coming home. Even when we go through rough times and I feel like my insides are ripping apart because just the thought of losing him scares the shit out of me, he is the one I trust, love and cherish. Even that time he called me manipulative.
The cynical part of me says I love him even when he's being a jerk because he realizes, on his own, that he was a jerk, thus saving me time and effort trying to explain it to him.
But even my cynical part (which is, admittedly, one of the largest parts of me) shuts the hell up when our eyes meet, he smiles that special smile he only shows me, and tells me I'm beautiful (even though my hair would frighten small children, I'm covered in shards of chips and there's a suspicious looking stain on my shirt because I just spent three hours eating chips, sour cream, salsa, and cheese (and I dropped sour cream on my shirt)(and the only reason I stopped eating is because I ran out of something), I'm wearing pants that don't fit right because I didn't want to dirty my nice ones, I haven't showered in two days, my teeth are grody and my socks are mismatched)....and I believe him. Because he really means it.
Also, he has agreed to watch musicals with me (even though he loathes them) and will warm my corpse-feet on his warm belly.
Now that, ladies and gents, is true love.
Now here's the thing--I read a lot of 'really good' books. But this one was special for a couple reasons.
1) I didn't actually check the price before I bought it. This is especially noteworthy because I can be a cheap-ass stingy motherfucker when it comes to treating myself. I haven't not checked the price on something in years.
2) It wasn't life-changing because it showed me a whole new world I never thought existed before...it was a reaffirming book. It was the paper-and-ink equivalent of a fuzzy blanket on a cold night. These books are rare, because for the most part I'm a pretty cynical bastard. But this one got to the soft side of me.
3) The rather large amount of money I spent on it (it did have patterns in it, which definitely makes it 'worth' the price, but that's besides the point) was justified, truly and deeply by two lines in it. $16 for two lines. And I'd pay it all over again if I had to, and I'd do it with a smile. See above statement admitting to cheap-assness for clarification of this breakthrough.
4) I stayed up til 2:30 in the morning to read it, which I also haven't done in a long time. I love reading. I am actually slightly addicted to reading (ok, very addicted, but at least this addiction occasionally improves my intelligence. Which is more than I can say for drinking, smoking, and doing other really stupid, yet hilarious, activities). But I realized some time ago that sleep is a precious, precious thing. The book will still be there tomorrow. But I can never again capture those couple hours.
But this book also made me treasure Erik anew. I hesitate to make any sappy proclamations before we've been together even six months, but when I walk into his arms, it is truly like coming home. Even when we go through rough times and I feel like my insides are ripping apart because just the thought of losing him scares the shit out of me, he is the one I trust, love and cherish. Even that time he called me manipulative.
The cynical part of me says I love him even when he's being a jerk because he realizes, on his own, that he was a jerk, thus saving me time and effort trying to explain it to him.
But even my cynical part (which is, admittedly, one of the largest parts of me) shuts the hell up when our eyes meet, he smiles that special smile he only shows me, and tells me I'm beautiful (even though my hair would frighten small children, I'm covered in shards of chips and there's a suspicious looking stain on my shirt because I just spent three hours eating chips, sour cream, salsa, and cheese (and I dropped sour cream on my shirt)(and the only reason I stopped eating is because I ran out of something), I'm wearing pants that don't fit right because I didn't want to dirty my nice ones, I haven't showered in two days, my teeth are grody and my socks are mismatched)....and I believe him. Because he really means it.
Also, he has agreed to watch musicals with me (even though he loathes them) and will warm my corpse-feet on his warm belly.
Now that, ladies and gents, is true love.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Time Away Really Is a Fascinating Thing
What is so complexingly odd about visiting home after being gone a while--is that everyone wants and tries and strains to view you as exactly the same person as when you left. Which is rather silly when you think about it, because they certainly aren't the same person as they were six months ago, so why should you be?
I met up with an old friend today to chat for like five minutes. Lord knows I still love her, she's a great person, but standing there while she chattered...it was like a time warp. It was like someone gave me the unique chance to glimpse exactly what my life would have been like had I not gone away. It was also a tad discombobulating because I felt like I had missed a step everyone else knew about. I've been to school after high school--but I had gone to trade school. I'm poised and ready to get a 'real' job, make car payments, make the rent on the three bedroom house, decide what I'm going to do with my free time other than sit around and get high/drunk/bitch about how hard life is/whatever.
It's amazing how only after high school did I realize I'm something of an a) busy person (this vacation is driving me batty) and b) an overachiever. Hell, in high school I only graduated with honors because AP classes drive your GPA up by a couple points, and my teachers could only vaguely recollect who the fuck I was, and thus gave me a passing grade even if they couldn't find all my papers.
I'm on my first long vacation in years, I've agreed to read two full length novels, I've been doing puzzles everyday, I've been walking, reading, knitting, cleaning, packing to move and just in general planning my life.
My friend? She went to Mexico for two weeks, hung around, came back, was hanging with friends and her big activity of the day was buying a bubbler. It's most definitely not a bad way to live--just so different. And so in-my-face after so long away.
I met up with an old friend today to chat for like five minutes. Lord knows I still love her, she's a great person, but standing there while she chattered...it was like a time warp. It was like someone gave me the unique chance to glimpse exactly what my life would have been like had I not gone away. It was also a tad discombobulating because I felt like I had missed a step everyone else knew about. I've been to school after high school--but I had gone to trade school. I'm poised and ready to get a 'real' job, make car payments, make the rent on the three bedroom house, decide what I'm going to do with my free time other than sit around and get high/drunk/bitch about how hard life is/whatever.
It's amazing how only after high school did I realize I'm something of an a) busy person (this vacation is driving me batty) and b) an overachiever. Hell, in high school I only graduated with honors because AP classes drive your GPA up by a couple points, and my teachers could only vaguely recollect who the fuck I was, and thus gave me a passing grade even if they couldn't find all my papers.
I'm on my first long vacation in years, I've agreed to read two full length novels, I've been doing puzzles everyday, I've been walking, reading, knitting, cleaning, packing to move and just in general planning my life.
My friend? She went to Mexico for two weeks, hung around, came back, was hanging with friends and her big activity of the day was buying a bubbler. It's most definitely not a bad way to live--just so different. And so in-my-face after so long away.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Back in sunny SoCal. Again. I'm here for two and a half weeks to say hello and goodbye to everyone, and to defend for the dozenth time why I'm moving to the South. Because, as we all know, the South is entirely made up of by rednecks and bigots.
Obviously.
I'm pretty much using this as Writing Time v. 2 since NaNo is over. Also, so I don't feel guilty not loving on Boyfriend while he's around. Mostly because most of our relationship up to this point was long distance...let's see...we've been together since early September, and I've been in physical contact with him for a grand total of three and a half weeks.
Woo. Go me.
This blog has no point. However, I would like to take the rest of the time before I get really bored to announce that this whole '15 minutes of fame' business has gotten entirely out of hand. There was an article written on 'How To Get Famous' in Seventeen magazine. How ridiculous is that? I mean, you're a goddamned teenager. Don't take your whiney little drama on tv and think we'll care about it.
Unfortunately, there will be someone out there who will.
Dear God, gods and goddesses, help us all.
Obviously.
I'm pretty much using this as Writing Time v. 2 since NaNo is over. Also, so I don't feel guilty not loving on Boyfriend while he's around. Mostly because most of our relationship up to this point was long distance...let's see...we've been together since early September, and I've been in physical contact with him for a grand total of three and a half weeks.
Woo. Go me.
This blog has no point. However, I would like to take the rest of the time before I get really bored to announce that this whole '15 minutes of fame' business has gotten entirely out of hand. There was an article written on 'How To Get Famous' in Seventeen magazine. How ridiculous is that? I mean, you're a goddamned teenager. Don't take your whiney little drama on tv and think we'll care about it.
Unfortunately, there will be someone out there who will.
Dear God, gods and goddesses, help us all.
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