Mickey Mouse! Donald Duck!

Today will have two posts (providing I don't get bored halfway through). The first post is about...Disneyland! Yes, nonexistant readers, I went to Disneyland. By myself. Which is surprisingly fun and relaxing. Because if you decide you want to see the same street show four times in a row, by golly you don't have to listen to the rest of your group bitching about it.

Seriously, I love going to theme parks alone. Anyways...

I went on the Jungle Cruise*, which is my overall favorite ride (ever plus infinity). Tonight, our skipper was a slightly older gentleman than the usual median age (indeterminately aged college boys--in case you were wondering). He had a wonderful moustache, and a kicking hat.

I could tell it was going to be a wonderful ride right off the bat when he kept himself amused at the dock by keeping up a low-toned banter...with himself. And when he got really bored, he informed us in a dry tone that we all needed to find something to hang onto, because when we cast off, the speed and power of the boat would overwhelm us. Really.

(Before I begin, please imagine all of this in the tone of voice that guy from the eyedrop commercial uses. You know....no tone whatsoever? Drier than cardboard? That one.)

(The boat finishes boarding. Skipper is still rambling to himself, so one of the dock guys finally shouts "YOU'RE READY TO GO")

Skipper: Well, you all heard me about holding on? Ok, so here we go (starts up the engine and we putter forward). Yup. Feel the power. Well, my name is Larry and I'll be your skipper this evening. And coming up on the left here, we have Billy.

(Billy is a large statue of a monkey with a glowing crystal in his hand)

Billy is my idol. (Majority of boat groans at bad pun, and minority laughs at bad pun. A boat divided. Oh noes!)

Larry continues: And also on the left is a Bengal tiger. Did you know, fully grown, a Bengal tiger can weigh up to 500 pounds, and leap 25 feet?

It's kinda freaky.

Yeah.

And on the right, the elephants are in their watering hole. If you decide to take a picture, don't worry, they all have their trunks on, so it's a G-rated picture. (more groans and laughs) There's Bertha. She's been sitting in that water a long time. You can see the wrinkles.

(pause)

Did you know, fully grown elephants can weigh up to 500 pounds, and leap 25 feet? (boat erupts into full on laughter. A first for Jungle Cruise. Trust me.)

It's kinda freaky.

Yeah.

(We come upon the monkeys playing in the camp)

Still Larry: And now you see why you shouldn't let children loose in your camp (parents in the boat laugh. Kids don't comprehend). They were trying to get that Jeep started earlier, I'm glad they finally managed to turn it over.

(We come upon gorilla straining for bananas on floating crate)

Here's something you don't see everyday. But I do. Every. Day. (some emotion creeps in at this point, but he quickly stifles it and goes back to his impression of Eyedrop Guy) Over and over and over. (more laughs)

Still good ol' Larry: And now we're turning onto the Nile river. If you don't believe me, well, you're in de-Nile. On the left you'll see a full grown African bull elephant. You can tell it's an African bull elephant by its sloping forehead and big tusks. Did you know, fully grown African bull elephants can weigh up to 500 lbs and leap 25 feet? (by this point, some people are starting to chorus along)

It's kinda freaky.

Yeah.

But this African bull elephant is only the second most feared animal in the jungle. If you look to your right, you can see the most feared animal--his mother-in-law. (laughter and MANY groans) If you didn't get that joke, you will, soon enough.

And now we come upon a large group of animals. Zebras and giraffes and aw, look, how cute, in the cave. A pride of lions protecting a sleeping zebra. Yeah, that zebra looks dead tired. We should keep going, so it can rest in peace. (At this point, the teenagers across from me are laughing, most of the adults are groaning like mad, and others look petrified from the plethora of bad puns abound. Most of the little kids are still clueless)

(We pass the rhino poking the guy's butt)

Of course it's still Larry talking: This group of explorers had their ups and downs (some snorts), but I think they're finally getting the point. (One joke about the guy on the bottom I can't remember) Hey, you know the guy on the bottom? His last name is Haunches. And so the rhino is poking Haunches in his haunches (yes, he really said this).

(reflective pause as we motor away)

Did you know, (by now everyone is chorusing along quietly) fully grown rhinos can weigh up to 500 pounds, and leap 25 feet?

It's kinda freaky.

Yeah.

(big laughs)

(We enter the hippo pool)
(Usual hippo joke here) (bang bang, goes the gun)
(as we motor away)

Did (everyone joins in) you know, that fully grown hippos can weigh up to 500 lbs and leap 25 feet?

It's kinda freaky.

Yeah.

And now we're entering head hunter territory. It's never a good place to be headed. (groan)
(We motor on past the dancing tribe)
Well, it looks like they're having a party. Let me see if I can translate. (pause) So put your left foot in (pause) and take your left foot out. No, sorry guys, this is too hokey, even for me.

(Here he turns completely to our right (his left) and regards the bamboo grove very studiously, while behind him the spear people are getting in position to attack)

Now please look to your right, and examine this bamboo. Bamboo is amazing, it can grow up to 15 feet in one day and (pause and he glances behind himself) I'm sorry, (he raises his voice) guys, guys, you forgot again, didn't you? You leave my boat alone, and attack the next boat. Now, duck back down. That's right. Hide yourselves for the next group. Good job.

Now ladies and gentleman, you are about to see the eighth wonder of the world. It's really great, brace yourselves...it's the...

Backside of water. Really. It's amazing. It's the backside of water. It's great. And now, if you look behind you, you can see the side of water. Also a great sight.

(keep puttering. We approach rapids, and the rocks with the skulls and skeletons on them)
And please look around at the limestone art. Most people take it for granted, but I think they're great.
(stops the boat in the middle of the piranha territory before they start spinning, so it's calm water around us)

(pause)
And now, let us sit here, and reflect for a moment on the (piranhas start spinning) cruise thus far.
(pause)
Oh man, I'm sorry (starts the boat). But don't worry ladies. These are man eaters. They don't eat the ladies.

And on our left, we have a boa constrictor. Don't get too close to it, it'll develop a crush on you. And those are always such restricting relationships.

(we nearly start before him this time)
Did you know, that fully grown boa constrictors can weigh up to 500 lbs, and leap 25 feet.

It's kinda freaky.

Yeah.

(we come upon a boat in front of us, empty except for the skipper)

And this is why we let you bring children on board. To eat them, I mean, I wonder what happened here? (Another joke parents get, kids don't)
(other skipper calls back)
I lost my group!
Larry: What?
Other Skipper: I lost my...hold on! (grabs microphone) I LOST MY GROUP!
Larry: Oh, he lost his group. Well, up ahead is Head Trader Sam. As you can see, business has been shrinking lately. He currently has a deal--two of his heads, for one of yours. Any way you slice it, you come out a head.

(we're now stuck at the light, because it isn't showing green) (So Larry, bless him, starts rambling)

I was at Sam's house the other night. We had stew, and I told him his wife made great stew. And he replied it was a pity she wasn't around to enjoy it. (laughs from those who get it) And I told him I hadn't spoken to his brother in a while, and Sam replied that you had to take him with a grain of salt.

And a pinch of pepper.

So I don't know why I'm not getting the other green light I need. It's like Southern California traffic. It doesn't make sense.

(pause)

(we hear some very pointed shouting from the dock)

Oh, looks like we got the all clear. So we'll be at the dock shortly, (he continues pleasantries, makes the Get out. Oh sorry, please get out joke, then right as we're leaving...)

And just one last thought to send you folks on your way, what if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

And that was the best Jungle Cruise ride ever.

*Oh, and what makes it so great, is there's a script they're supposed to follow. Either they've changed that, or he just didn't care. Also, he rarely kept the lights on. And he'd occasionally reach over and flick them on, then turn them right back off. Instead of keeping them on like he was supposed to.

Yeah. Larry, wherever you are, I tip my hat to you. I've never heard belly laughs on this ride before, and I've been going on it for 19 years.

Bravo, good sir.