Pirate Attack!

Pirate
adv.
proun. Pie-RAah-tae

1. the method in which pirates defend themselves

slang -- any pirate-related activity, as long as it is completed in a suitably pirate-esque way.

Well known for its mean right hook, pirate is both revered and despised, though due to some alterations to the basics of pirate, the original form of pirate is shrouded in deep mystique and possibly some enigma (formerly believed to be cause by a deficiency in protein, now known to be caused by a deficiency of logical thought).

Through months of long, arduous research, I believe to have uncovered some of the previously unknown 'dregs' (the principals) of pirate (no, those are not the things you stare at in the bottom of a mug, ye drunken scoundrel). Dregs seem to be a combination of lost pirate moves (for a reason), ideals upon which pirate was founded (none), and random ramblings (they were drunken scoundrels too).

Dreg One--the 'stiff leg' kick to the nether regions
Considered an unsporting move by some practitioners of pirate, this is nontheless a powerful attack, and quite often the end of a brawl if your opponent be a man, but if it be a wench ye fighting....
Why the hell would you fight a wench? Ye dog.

Dreg Two--attacks from the rear are perfectly sporting, because, after all, we're good at protecting our booty.

Dreg Three--the 'hook and pull'
Effective especially on those the captain is trying to frighten, simply use your best right (or left) hook, then pull the unlucky soul close, so ye can use ye foul breath to rend him asunder.

Dreg Four--the proper ravishment of women
True practitioners of pirate are often given a bad name through the misinterpretation, and misuse of this dreg. First, pick a wench that is pleasing to the eye. Brashly call out to her, vaguely insulting her while waving yer mug about in a winsome manner. If she be a giggly one, or a brash one herself, the signs are clear for smooth sailing from there. If her giggle be more of a chuckle, ye are brashly calling to the wrong sort, and ought to put down the mug before ye make a mistake ye will regret. And never force yeself upon a wench that seems down or prefers another brash lad (or lady. We be an open-minded sort about here).

Dreg Five--The way of the Argh
Considered by some the most important of the dregs, the way of the Argh is not only a powerful addition to any pirate arsenal, but it is a way of the pirate life. The way of Argh guides such things as the proper way to maintain yer beard (or other facial hair of preference, though the beard lends much power to certain pirate maneuvers), how to gruffen your voice the proper amount, how to inspire loyalty among yer rowdy crew, how to properly have a mockery of a trial when ye send someone off to sea with a very short jaunt for them, how to swing about like a hyperactive monkey on the rigging without pulling something loose, how to find yer booty and hold onto it and how to properly quaff yer beer when in port.

The full guidelines of the way of the Argh are too long to reprint here, but I will give you a small inkling of how the way of the Argh works. (Spelling has been corrected, because I would not want ye to grow old while trying to decide what baestysehit means) (Rough translation is a slang term for bad beer, by the way)

How To Properly Quaff Beer While In Port

Begin with selecting a suitably disreputable bar to settle into. Selection of the bar is not overly important--however, do not select one with rich gentlemen, for they cannot quaff properly and they do not take kindly to gentlemen of your standing, and do not select one in which your throat will be slit for anything you say while drunk. That should be obvious. A bar with loud singing of bawdy songs is always a popular choice. If it has winsome wenches waiting to win the worship of winning wooers, so much the better for yer enjoyment!

Now, cozy up to the bar, and try not to lean back when the bartender breathes in yer face. Tis bad manners. Order a large pint of his cheapest beer, and immeadiately toast the gentlemen next to ye. Make a loud shout of some indescernible word that sounds suitably manly, and tilt yer head back slightly (not so far ye get a crik) and put the lip of the mug somewhat near ye mouth, but not on it (everyone knows those mugs never be washed), and swallow as much liquid as ye can, then slam the empty tankard onto the counter and shout for another pint of the catpiss you just drank. Someone, somewhere will cheer, you'll cheer in response, and everyone will cheer.

Repeat until suitably tipsy, then proceed to nurse along your pints until ye are roaring drunk, in which case a return to quaffing is normally called for. If all goes well, ye'll wake up in a strange wenches bed on the morrow with a pounding headache and the ship will still be in the harbor.

***

As you can see, the way of the Argh is in depth, and complex. More study is needed to bring the buried secrets (and possibly conundrums) of the pirate to light. Dregs have yet to be discovered, and much of the way of the Argh has not yet been translated.

I will return later with more secrets of the pirate.